Getting Engaged

My first month in Kabul, I was driving to my colleague’s house for a taste of homecooked Afghan food when we passed what can only be described as Las Vegas on a roundabout. In a city of mostly mud houses (apart from the occasional war lord mansion) this massive building, surrounded my flashing neon palm trees, fairy lights dripping and a huge bold sign reading “KABUL PARIS WEDDING HALL”, took my breath away. Since I saw it, it has been my dream to enter this flashing neon world and experience it for myself….and last week it happened! It was my colleague Safi’s brother’s engagement party and it was at the Kabul Paris Wedding Hall. All my male colleagues were invited along with me and Meghann (our new program manager). Meghann and I were of course going to be in the women’s side, so we would not actually see any of the other guys from the office (Safi as a family member is allowed to join both sides). I’d heard tales from friends of hours stuck alone with a room full of women they didn’t know, but I had Meghann and I was also excited to spend time with more Afghan women – a rare opportunity in this city! I was a little unsure what to wear, I had heard that the women dress up to the nines, so I put a little make up on and borrowed my housemates silk shalwa-style top, I felt pretty fancy (I’d even showered at the neighbour’s house for the occasion) but nothing would prepare me for the full make up and heels, taffeta and sequins all the way appearance of the Afghan ladies. Not a head scarf in sight, instead the young girls were dressed like something straight off the pages of just 17, all side pony tails, miniskirts and boots, the girls in their teens wore full stage make up, beautiful (and some horrendous) strappy dresses (sometimes with t-shirts underneath), sequin jackets, stilettos and huge smiles. Some of them were truly breath taking and sassy too, chatting and laughing, strong, beautiful women of Afghanistan. There was one particularly stunning group of ladies, who I soon realized were all related – 3 wives and about 20 daughters of the one of the richest men in Kabul. The wives all seemed to get on great, dancing and gossiping together, the newest wife was 16, which turned my stomach a little, but she seemed happy, who can tell. I’ve learnt to not judge in certain cases anymore, it’s not my place, it is more interesting to hear what people on the inside think of it. I was chatting to one of the daughters who said that she wanted to marry a poor man, when her father asked why and she said “because then he can only afford one wife”, “but you are beautiful, no man would need a second wife if he had you” the dad had replied…to which the daughter quickly (and brilliantly) retorted “my mother is beautiful and you still have 3 wives”. The evening was a complete eye opener to the closed, inside world of Afghan women. It was also an eye opener to the downsides of being in the ladies’ room. After 3 hours of dancing and being videod* the food finally arrived. I was so excited, at parties with my male colleagues before I have loved the steaming plates of Kabuli Pilau, fresh hot bread, kebob, kofta and mantou…but as the cold half eaten plates were put down on the table, I realized these were the men’s leftovers. I knew this happened in Afghanistan, that the women ate only after the men had been served, but surely not in Kabul, not at an engagement party. But sure enough, there were teeth marks and fork marks all over the cold food. None of the women seemed to notice, and tucked in eagerly, to the half full plates. I looked apologetically at Meghan, I’d persuaded her to stay an extra hour on the promise of a feast of a lifetime and as I picked up a piece of cold already bitten into bread, I realized again how lucky I was as a western woman to be able to experience both sides of the coin here. As sassy as these women were, they were still in the room that got the cold food and few of them would ever experience what I’d taken for granted, sitting in the boys room, watching them dance, being treated as an equal and eating hot food first!

*(there was a professional camera crew, and for most of the night, the bride stood on a stage being filmed with her fiancée, friends and family. Hats off to the girl, I only stood up there for about 2 mins and when I stepped down I found I was blinded by the spotlight, my jaw ached from smiling and I felt dizzy from standing!)